Remembering Ava // Love is why I am here

Remembering Ava // Love is why I am here

My heart is full this week. Thanksgiving has quickly come upon us, and while everyone is preparing for their feasts, I am preparing myself to remember why I am here. This entire journey online has been one of joy and hardship at times, and I am reminded everyday why I started. Three years ago, the weekend after Thanksgiving, I lost my daughter Ava. I was 33 weeks pregnant and I had just had the most wonderful Thanksgiving with my family that I worked so hard to host – from the food (my husband happily cooks!) to the decor, to the table setting and “What I am thankful for” place cards – I really went all out. I remember with distinct detail what we all did that day and who we all thanked while seated at the table.

why I am here

So what I thought was a day full of usual pregnancy pains from the hustle and bustle of the holiday dinner turned out quite differently. The last thing I ever thought was that I would be at a hospital hearing someone say “there’s no heartbeat”. While it was the calmest voice a person could possibly speak, all I heard was a loud siren go off in my head. “No!”, “check again!” , and “you’re wrong!” is all I remember saying, but I do remember the moment I accepted that the nurse was right. Time moved too quickly after that (while in the moment it felt painfully slow), but I count my blessings every day that I was able to hold my daughter and have one photo of us together that I will forever cherish. The details of recovering from such a devastating experience still haunt me, but I move on. I keep remembering why I am here. For Ava. For my son. For my family. 

why i am here

why I am here

This Season’s Gold is meant to honor the season Ava was born, still. Love is why I am here everyday sharing what it takes to move forward in life, what it takes to feel good on the inside and out after all of that, still. Raising a young boy, still. I am thankful to you for reading and always returning to see what is new, still. I can’t wait to share more.

why I am here

Something special is headed your way for all subscribers. Be sure and subscribe here if you haven’t had the chance! Wishing you all a very Happy Thanksgiving! 

Featured // Le Motto top | Loft jeans |Cardigan (old, similar) | Steve Madden heels (old, similar) | Pink & Blue Co. child name plate necklaces | MZ Wallace clutch | Beret (vintage, similar under $30) 

PC: Sony Rodriguez signature

Share it:

32 Comments

  1. Annette
    November 28, 2017 / 10:40 am

    What a beautiful post. I can’t imagine going through this but you’re so strong. ❤️

  2. November 27, 2017 / 11:35 pm

    Oh my goodness my heart just absolutely breaks for you and your family’s loss. I admire your courage to share such a personal moment with all of us and admire your strength! Sending lots of love to you and your husband, xoxo – Sara

  3. November 26, 2017 / 3:29 pm

    I am so so sorry for your loss. This was a beautifully written post and we all so appreciate your vulnerability and strength. Sending love your way!

  4. Angelle
    November 24, 2017 / 11:26 pm

    Oh my goodness, I am so sorry for your heartbreak. My heart hurts for you. I know the pain all too well, but I wasn’t as far along as you. My first pregnancy did end with tears. I knew that God was in control and trusted His plan even in the disappointment. Four kids later, I still remember that first, precious gift from above. I can’t wait to meet him or her one day. thanks for sharing your story. And, know that I am saying prayers for you as I type this. BTW, You are so beautiful!! This tee is perfect.

    xoxo,
    Angelle
    www. dashingdarlin.com

  5. April
    November 23, 2017 / 12:51 pm

    Thank you for sharing such a private moment in your life with others who may be going through this very same situation right now and may it give them courage and strength to face the days ahead.

    While I have not endured the loss of a child, my situation is a little bit different. After many years of trying to conceive, my husband and I got pregnant and our middle daughter was born in June 2011 via emergency c-section at 3 weeks early. Throughout our pregnancy everything was fine. 5 minutes after being born she was having difficulties breathing and the whole OR was silent except a few whispers from the nurses to which I could barely understand. The doctor came over to me while I was laying there still exposed and said, “We think your daughter has Down Syndrome”. It hit my heart like a ton of bricks. I knew absolutely nothing about DS and how it would play a role in her life. We spent years trying to conceive and couldn’t understand why this happened to us. I have seen pictures in early childhood classes I had taken about DS and all I knew was it meant your child would be physically and mentally impaired or handicapped. I was ignorant. Uneducated. I went through every emotion known to man. I was sad, mad, hurt, ashamed, angry, etc. But Once I took one look at my beautiful daughter all of those emotions turned to love and fear. Fear for what lied ahead for my beautiful daughter that I waited so long for. The Geneticist said it best to us later that evening. She said, “you have to mourn the loss of the child you thought you were going to have.” Later that evening my husband and I cried and cried and held each other. We asked for strength and knowledge in knowing how to care for our daughter. We researched every avenue we could. I thank God every day for our blessing, Arlynn. She is truly an angel. She touches the heart of everyone she meets. She is perfect in every way. She walks, talks, reads books, etc. She will tell you, “ I can do anything!” And she’s right, she can. Thank you for letting me share our little story with you. Bless you sweet mama.
    ~ sahmof3girls

  6. Jamaria
    November 23, 2017 / 1:11 am

    What a beautiful post. I can’t even imagine what it would feel like to lose a child, but you are so strong. Thank you for sharing your story!

    Jamaria | http://www.throughjamseyes.com

  7. Jamaria
    November 23, 2017 / 1:09 am

    What a beautiful post. I can’t even imagine what losing a child feels like but thank you for being so strong and transparent!

    Jamaria | http://www.throughjamseyes.com

  8. November 22, 2017 / 4:33 pm

    I feel your pain as I have been in that miserable place in the loss of a child. The heartache, the questions with no answers, the grief which fills every part of your aching soul and the endless tears. I am truly sorry for your loss although I know these words sound so cliche. The power of time doesn’t heal the pain, but it does numb the pain to make it bearable. I’m grateful for seasons as well and the gifts of a new season. I love your shirt…Love is why we are here. Life goes on with or without us, but we have to keep living in the present like you said not for ourselves, but for the others God has placed in our lives.

  9. November 22, 2017 / 2:42 pm

    I couldn’t even begin to imagine what a loss like this would feel like. Sending positive vibes and love to you and your family!

    Birdie Shoots

  10. Sandy a la Mode
    November 22, 2017 / 11:15 am

    I am so, so sorry for your loss – i cannot even imagine what you have gone through. So glad you shared this for others going through this too! You are amazing!

  11. November 22, 2017 / 10:45 am

    Hi! My heart goes out to you. I am sending lot of love and strength to you. You are such an inspiration and ROCK to share your story. Wishing you and your family a blessed Thanksgiving. Sweet Ava is smiling down upon you! God bless! BTW, you look AMAZING!!!

  12. Emily Wilkinson
    November 22, 2017 / 10:11 am

    so so sorry for your loss! what a great & well written post!

  13. November 21, 2017 / 10:15 pm

    Oh hon, I am so sorry to hear this, and am so sorry for your loss. You have created a beautiful project in her memory that can touch people around the world. Thinking of you at this time, and am so happy that you have a beautiful day to look forward to.
    xx Jenelle

  14. maggie
    November 21, 2017 / 5:38 pm

    Love the pop of red!

  15. November 21, 2017 / 2:51 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s inspiring that you are able to share it here. Aloha.

  16. Sue
    November 21, 2017 / 2:24 pm

    I can’t believe it’s been 3 years. I can still remember that thanksgiving at your house like it was yesterday. I can still remember that phone call and I can still feel the pain of thinking it’s not true. I think of my niece often and wish that our girls would have grown up together. I can still remember being at her funeral and being so sad and overcome with guilt bc I was carrying twins. I remember u making sure I was ok even though u were the one in pain.
    I’m so proud of all your accomplishments with this blog and beyond. It’s truly amazing to be able to watch u take a tragedy and make it into a triumph. ❤️ Sue

  17. November 21, 2017 / 1:39 pm

    Your heart.. You have such beautiful soul. Thank you so much for sharing your bravery and your story. Blessings to you!

  18. candy
    November 21, 2017 / 11:47 am

    One Thanksgiving you will always remember. Hope this doesn’t spoil your other Thanksgiving. Your casual attire looks perfect for our casual family gatherings.

  19. November 21, 2017 / 11:02 am

    This outfit is stunning on you! I have wanted a red beret forever!

  20. November 21, 2017 / 8:26 am

    What a heartbreaking loss .. I can’t even imagine!!! I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious Ava!!

    -Morgan
    How 2 Wear It [] http://how2wearit.com

  21. Ruth Ridley
    November 21, 2017 / 8:03 am

    I have a really good friend that lost her son Thanksgiving week. She was just about the same weeks along. I am so sorry for your loss. My first daughters name is Ava. Such a beautiful name. Sending you lots of love this week xo

  22. Lindsay Donnelly
    November 20, 2017 / 9:50 pm

    mama… such a beautifully written post. It’s so clear that you are who you are, such a strong and loving soul, because of your experience with Ava. Amazing. I’m in awe of your strength, perspective, clarity, eloquence. The list goes on.

  23. November 20, 2017 / 9:26 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Such a beautiful post in memory of Ava. xoxo

  24. November 20, 2017 / 4:22 pm

    I am so sorry for your lost. I lost a pregnancy as well, although it was at 11.5 weeks. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, as I’m sure this was for you. I’ll be praying for you this week.

    -Mama from Mama Writes Reviews

  25. November 20, 2017 / 2:01 pm

    Sorry for your loss. Your Blog is beautiful and helpful to so many “strong” women out there who may have gone through the same loss. Thank you for sharing.

  26. November 20, 2017 / 1:05 pm

    Thank you for sharing your very emotional and heartbreaking story. You are an inspiration. ❤

  27. November 20, 2017 / 11:27 am

    I’m am so sorry for your loss. I have had a miscarriage, but it is was really early on; I can’t imagine losing a baby at 33 weeks. My eyes are welling up with tears reading this. I am happy you have your son and your family. It’s beautiful how you are honoring her here. Sending hugs :)

    XOXO
    Cathy

  28. November 20, 2017 / 11:20 am

    Such a cute graphic tee! Love this chic ass outfit!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *